Are You Scared of Rocking the Boat?
What’s the price of staying quiet?
Do you hold your tongue in your relationships, no matter who they are with, so you don’t create a fuss or because it allows you to control situations in some way or other?
Do you swallow your anger and let it fester and simmer into red hot resentment?
Do you feel you’re doing the right thing by “protecting” a loved one from such and such?
[bctt tweet=”Withholding insidiously erodes the quality of relationships. ” username=”SallyCanning”]
Somehow on some level we just know there’s something missing/underlying and I don’t just mean the “stuff” you think might harm or even inappropriately empower another person – I’m also talking about the acknowledgements and compliments we are remiss at giving too.
Not being recognised or acknowledged for deeds and accomplishments can be equally as hurtful as harsh words and recriminations.
You don’t know that I know …
What about the stuff you know about someone close they have no idea you are privy to. How does that kind of energy affect the two of you? It’s like you’re existing on two totally different planets.
Thinking about it which is riskier – walking on eggshells for ever more or having the courage to speak up and face the music, whether it’s you speaking your truth or hearing what someone else has to say? Which relationships fare the best / are the healthiest?
Sharon knew her father’s secrets – her brother shared them with her and then swore her to secrecy. When she came to me S was super stressed and hadn’t a clue why she couldn’t relate to or feel compassion for her dad any more. Life felt messy and unhappy because the old man needed support and daily attention. Once S realised that in fact the hurt and resentment she was displaying actually didn’t belong to her she was able to let go of the energy and look clearly at her own behaviour. The transformation between father and daughter within days was amazing.
Being honest and open
Make no mistake, I do know for sure that sharing deep truthful stuff can be scary with a capital S. It renders us vulnerable for a start and most of us don’t like that feeling for fear we’ll really be giving our opposite an unfair advantage. But what if being transparent could give you both a better sense of trust and security?
I get all wound up when my daughter leaves a trail of her belongings throughout the house. Admittedly I’m not the tidiest of people but when someone else does it it drives me crazy. She’s the only one who “does it to me” and I know it’s because she’s reflecting a crystal clear image of me myself and I!! In the past I’ve bitten my tongue and let the feelings build until I’ve erupted like a volcano which is so upsetting and unnecessary.
You see as a child I learned “not to rock the boat”, to avoid conflict and trouble at all costs, to put up and shut up never mind how I felt. All that does is teach us to bury those emotions and if left undealt with not only those relationships suffer but so do the ones with the world at large and anyone else we may become close to because our behaviours reflect our inner being. When we hide facets of ourselves, for whatever reason, we begin to lose our sparkle. It’s like we are existing with bits missing. The whole effect is dulled and no one can get a handle on who we really are.
You know the feeling of dismay when someone you’ve known for years buys you a gift and you think they must have mixed you up with someone else? It happened to a friend yesterday, she was horrified, and then we started looking at the faces she shows to the world. Talk about ah ha moments!!!
What are you NOT saying?
Here’s a little process to throw some light on what’s happening for you.
Step One
Brainstorm each of the following questions for a 3-5 minutes each. Pen on paper ready steady go. Set a timer and don’t stop until you’re done. Let anything spill out onto the page it doesn’t matter – no judgement or rubbing out thank you very much. (The list could be long …)
a. What I’m not saying to ………………………. is ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
b. What I’m afraid might happen if I do say it is ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
c. The positive things I’d like to happen by saying this are ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Step 2.
Place your responses in the template below:
Dear ……………………….. There are certain things I haven’t said to you that I feel both of us would benefit from but I haven’t dared to because I am afraid that:
- Insert answers from b. here
- Insert answers from b. here
- Insert answers from b. here
By sharing this with you what I would like to happen is
- Insert answers from c. here
- Insert answers from c. here
- Insert answers from c. here
What I haven’t been saying to you is (answer from a. here)
Thank you for hearing me. What if anything would you like to share?
Remember:
[bctt tweet=”Holding on to resentment is like clasping red hot embers ” username=”SallyCanning”]
– the only person who suffers is you and often when we share our thoughts, fears, the stuff that bothers us the other person has no idea what the problem is and actually appreciate your honesty.
If on the other hand it is a red hot potato I guess the question to be asking yourself is how long can I continue to live with this? Do I want to get to the end of my days and wonder “what if?” “if only”. Only you can make that kind of decision. It’s worth a thought though and even going through the exercise will give you clarity.
What do you think? Sharing is good it helps others.
Any pearls of wisdom you’d like to offer?